Solitude - Part II

Solitude - Part I

I used to intern at cshl which is a 15 mins drive from my home in Long Island (LI). However, since we had just migrated to the US and didn't have a car yet, I used to catch a bus from home to the railroad station, hop on the train for 2 stops and then ride on cshl's shuttle. 1 hour but no big deal. However, public transport on LI isn't that great and the buses run on an hourly basis at night (this route is also not bike friendly). On my way back from lab, the schedules worked out such that I always ended up at the bus stop ~10 mins after a bus had left. Following a long day, that was like a 'can-wait-for-the-food-to-be-cooked, but-can't-wait-for-it-cool-down' moment. 45-50 mins for 3 months amidst the hustle and bustle of a station.

I spent last summer in the UK. Friends traveling with me on the same program were mostly US citizens or had applied for a Schengen Visa (neither was true in my case) and could travel across Europe w/o any restrictions. Of course there is so much to explore in the UK itself that I had no regrets about not being able to travel outside. On one of the few days I had to myself when they were on their Euro tour - I managed to finish labwork by mid day, spent most of my afternoon walking up and down Oxford street*, then walked (1.5hrs) to the Thames/London Bridge where I spent the rest of my evening. ~9 hours at one of the busiest cities in the world. 

Spring Break 2011. I had spent spring break '09 visiting relatives, the next on a Habitat for Humanity project in Erie, PA and the third...? Quit guessing, nothing exotic. For a while I thought I would spend it showing my parents around Rochester but those plans didn't materialize. I worked long hours at the lab and studied for the GRE until Thurs when I finally decided to dedicate the day to all the other things I had been putting off. I boarded the first bus to campus and worked at a table in Starbucks till the last bus I could catch to return home. One full day at an on-campus cafe that is bustling even during college breaks.

So, why these anecdotes? This post is not about the 16 year old who spent the first several days counting down 45 mins trying not to cry at the bus stop, eventually learning that she just had to wait, or about all the people she would watch pacing down the station stairs who knew exactly where they had to go... several had a car parked under the bridge, someone regularly fetched a taxi across the street, someone unlocked their bike, someone else had friends/family pick them up, a few others walked, but no one waited alone staring through the glass window of a cafe over the pages of a novel failing to engage them; this is not about all the hundreds of people I walked past on Oxford street or the couples sipping wine and kissing by the Thames or the scores of tourists taking pictures by the magnificent site of London bridge or the large groups of families and friends dining in the  moonlight or the cheer from downtown London's sports bars; It is not about the inexhaustible search engines I tried to exhaust hunting for postgrad plans and cold-calling backups or the pages of diary I wrote in a days time at Starbucks. As vivid as those memories are and as much as I have grown from them, this is not an attempt to paint the emotions they evoke. It is just not possible. 
The purpose of narrating these is to highlight a state common to all three incidences - solitude. You don't need to go to the edge of the world to look for it. You end up finding yourself alone in the busiest and noisiest of places, whether a few bus stops away from home or in a different continent altogether, as long as you stop and and have the time and courage to peep inside... 


*This has nothing to do with the town/Uni of Oxford. It is the busiest shopping street in central London (think 5th Avenue, NYC).

April 2nd 2011

A non-traditional post but this day deserves one.

On my way back...
The suitcase is heavier [1]
And so is the mind. 
But my heart is light
And I am as happy as a lark!
I will remember this day vividly <3

[1] from all the unnecessary booklets I got at the conference
[2] thanks to several interactions, new acquaintances & memories
[3] from a sigh of relief, sense of accomplishment & re-instilled belief in my friend's words that "everything does work out in the end"
[4] because India WON the World Cup!! (although I wasn't there to witness it live, I will forever be proud!)

Valentine's Poem

In spirit of the upcoming holiday, thought I'd compose something while putting my German to good (questionable haha) use!

  

   Blinken nicht die Augen...

halten Sie sich fest, um dieses wunderschöne Traum!

   Aufwachen dein Herz...

aus dem Schlummer seiner dunklen Mitternacht!

   Lassen es seine Türen öffnen und erkennen, dass -

jemand neu definiert "Liebe", wenn -

   Alles in eurer Welt scheint erweitert, transformiert und aufgehellt

und Zeit macht unbekannte, unerwartete Erfahrungen

   Würdig Gekritzel auf den Seiten von Ihrem Tagebuch!

Um Ihnen und derjenige, der dich am meisten respektiere, Happy Valentines! :-)

This is |not| a puzzle and neither is it autobiographical to any degree. Well, make what you will of disclaimers :P On a different note, please excuse and correct mistakes (except capitalizations!) if you can. Can I require all comments to be in Deutsch please? haha just kidding! Although http://translate.google.com/# is a useful tool (barring grammar :P) if you're up for the challenge/seeking a quick translation. Do share your thoughts!

Tentative upcoming/pending posts to look forward to for the next 2 months: 

- "Food for Thought: Thoughts on Food" (had said I'll post this today, but Valentines takes precedence over food labels and nutrition statistics :P)

- "Merits of Mental Math in Oblivion: Calculators Germinating an Arithmetically Challenged Generation" ...what I've been fuming over since the last 5yrs. (hint, this is my 5th yr in the US :P)

- A poem from my old list...

Religion & Practicality: Two Sides of the Same Coin?

Disclaimer: If you find critique on 'religious' rituals/practices more offensive than thought provoking, proceed with caution. ;)

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Ok. I have a very intimate relationship with what I believe is God (for the lack of better word sometimes). The deepest of insights I have searched for with eyes wide open have often dawned upon me only when I closed my eyes in prayer. Yes, I do 'close my eyes' in faith, in devotion, in the name of religion, in an attempt to focus; but that does not enable me to 'turn a blind eye' to the rituals, practices, expectations and unwritten rules that are not rooted in pure reason, practicality, logic and a scientific attitude. To this day I might have only inched forward towards defining and uniting with my God, but I have made leaps and bounds in realizing that because religion is meant to be enlightening, obscure practices cannot be justified as a form of worship. Following are some such observations/anecdotes and my opinions/reasoning about them -

- Milk on a stone's back (think water on a duck's...)

 I visited the RajaRajeshwari Temple at Rush, NY in Jan. 2010. All my positive experiences there aside, what sticks out the most even a year later is the gallons of milk I saw being poured on the Shiv Lingam. Not one, not two, not three, not four... well I counted six while in line. Less than ten minutes on one day. Six gallons of Vitamin D and calcium fortified whole milk on stone. I say just 'stone' because religion ends where thoughtless human practice begins. What a waste! I think I use less water to shower than the amount of milk used in the span of a day to 'bathe' the black stone :P. I am not going to bring up statistics about how many children are malnutritioned in India (highest world rate). A friend argued "Well not like they're going to ship it to India right now anyways" - thats not the point! Think perhaps they could've used it to make 'prasad' instead.  And if you feel the need to follow a ritual, let the priest alone do it instead of giving each visitor the 'opportunity' to 'bathe' Shiva. To go one step further, I thought about this wastage of milk and the irony (or hypocritical nature?) the ritual brings to Hinduism - a religion that worships the cow. Perhaps vegans/animal rights activists do a better job in worldly matters than blind Hindu worshipers. (then again it would be weird to pour soy milk on the Shiv Lingam :P)

- Satsang (sat = true, sanga = company)

I recently visited one and was reminded that men and women ought to sit in two difference sections of the room to avoid getting distracted by the opposite sex while trying to 'link' with God's message. First, we're forgetting that the human mind is quite creative and physical distance can set no limits on the extent to which it's imagination can be out of focus. Also sure, living a celibatic life is big sacrifice and a bold decision. But what does sitting on the other end of the room mean? Does it mean you loose your attainment of 'Satsang' as soon as you step out of the temple and walk with someone of the opposite sex? You are implying that your company with the 'highest truth' is transient and blaming the opposite sex for it. Heres an analogy: say, you are determined to overcome your habit of over-spending at a mall and control your desires of hoarding. To this end you simply don't carry your wallet to the mall. Achieving your goal by avoiding the real challenge is not as credible! Can you keep from hoarding with a pocket full of money? is the real question at hand being 'avoided'. You'll never question your conscience because you are too scared to 'live on the edge'.

For the same reasons, I'd have ten fold more respect for the decency of  a man who can sit right next to me during a 'Satsang' and still be one with God than someone who needs to sit at the other end of the room.  The latter almost screams 'prevention is better than cure'... staying as far as possible from the opposite sex is better than risking indulgence and having to 'cure' yourself out of it. It screams gender discrimination. If someone as 'holy' as a priest cannot walk over to the 'other side' to share advice with/have a one-on-one conversation with female devotees because they 'hold the potential to distract him', that is not only offending women's intention of attending the Satsang but also questioning the priest's true 'control of his emotions'. All in all, true devotion is one that brings in its wake clarity of the mind, strengthening of a will, a moral character and silencing of the subconscious amidst all 'distractions'. While fleeing from 'distractions' to claim true devotion may be an informal acknowledgement of one's weaknesses and vulnerabilities, it is not a portrayal of one's effort to overcome them.

- Disrespecting a sign of fertility

Not allowing menstruating women (as if you can really distinguish and control this :P) to participate in religious activities simply makes me mock the stupidity of this 'rule'. There was always a method to His 'madness' and God must remember what he created when he sculpted the bodies of the two sexes. By that logic, someone with a natural phenomena in a God gifted body can is NO way offend religion! Also the argument of 'impurity' is obsolete with the sanitation available today.

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I have too many complaints but that is it for now. Going back to the title - our practices and rituals have separated religion and practicality so far that the two now exist as two sides of the same coin... its always one or the other :/

Thoughts? any that you'd like to share? Or perhaps convince me otherwise on any of the above?

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Next post will probably be "Food for Thought: Thoughts on Food". Yes, statistics! :-)

25 Randoms about me...

0. Its nice to start with zero :P
1. I'm quite a nerd & would rather read than party. Things that *some* people of my age find entertaining scare me.
2. I believe there is no such thing as "burning out". As long as everything I do is driven by passion, stretching myself 'thin' will always surprise me - pleasantly so.
3. I don't think I've ever forgotten to wish anyone on their b'day (in the last 2-3 yrs) but I'm not a fan of celebrating my own.
4. I love photography but I like making sketches/portraits even more... I place a lot of importance on documenting moments that steal away a part of me! I believe that "my memory" is not truely mine & its slipping away with age is one of my greatest fears.
5. I like the smell that lingers after a candle is blown out.
6. I don't like dod-eared pages (its just disrespectful)...
7. I enjoy having people over, cooking dinners, etc... I'm more domestic than I appear to be.
8. Replying to emails/wallposts as soon as I see them makes me feel good. lol
9. I like swimming, biking & badminton & always wanted to learn tennis... I guess dancing can also be listed.
10. I've never used the F*** word & never will... not a fan of foul language in general.
11. I judge educated people who have unhealthy eating habits. If you have no respect for your own health & are not farsighted enough to care about quality of life - thats a disgrace!! (I'm a vegetarian & a big label reader)
12. Speaking of food, I say a short prayer before every meal (its more of a humble acknowledgement that there is someone somewhere whom I owe an effable gratitude for whats on my plate... its more about not taking anything for granted than about believing in God!)
13. I'm proud that I still don't need any beverages to "get me going".... I hate coffee/sugar/caffinated drinks.
14. Science & puzzles are my favorite sections of the NYtimes... btw I still try to read the Maharastra times/TofI regularly :P
15. I have absolutely NO respect for those who dress inappropriately.
16. I am a minimalist... I also value money a lot (theres an important distingtion between being frugal & stingy!)
17. What makes me the saddest/angriest is dysfunctional families... My own will NEVER be among them!
18. I make an effort to remember conversations/episodes as vividly as possible & follow up... being remembered conveys a sense of importance to people & they will appreciate you for it!
19. My most memorable journey is that of an Amtrak ride from Rochester to NYC on Dec 21st/22nd '08. I met someone on that train whose portrait I could sketch from memory... that was a first!
20. I have a cheerful & TIRELESS work ethic. You'll know if you ever end up working with me someday.
21. As far as music... I like something slow & melodious with deep, *meaningful* lyrics.
22. If I could change I thing, I would change people's definition of "need".
23. Pretense, disrespect, pride & unhygenic habits are absolute turn offs.
24. If I ever fall in love, it will be someone whose art of expression & intellectual conversations intrigue me. Most things fade away sooner or later & my quest is to recognize those that don't.
25. Since I started with 0, I technically completed the "25 randoms" in my previous statement ;-)

America! baby ;)

Contrary to popular belief, the US is not really a land of fortune where you can just “strike it rich” (as Arthur Miller described it in his book “Death of a Salesman”) Appearances and imaginations are often deceptive but real life experiences are memorable teachers. This I quote from the unforgettable vicissitudes and adversity that challenged my immigration to the United States. I will always attribute my personality, character, attitude and achievements to that summer of 2006 when I left Mumbai and every change it brought to my life thereafter.
I envisioned myself stranded, foreshadowed times of loneliness and homesick feelings with no end in sight. My family strengthened me with an assurance of a happy life and a bright future in the US, but my unyielding self condemned it as a futile attempt – a deceptive optimism.
Because obstacles were many and each time I met another one, the modicum of faith I had in US was shattered. To begin with, the complexity of structures, gigantic malls, busy drive-thrus, flying cars on highways, people who turned a blind eye because they were “plugged in” (no offense to ipods) and the incredible pace of life they portrayed (much more than what I has witnessed in Mumbai) perplexed me as we drove "home" from the airport. This was followed by living at a relative's house for a few weeks who did nothing but made every effort to portray how much people change after spending 25 years on this foreign land . This politely but lucidly conveyed that my family’s “American dream” must be a pie in the sky. I always viewed my parents as successful professionals and my sister a friend to toy with, but the added responsibilities that each one of us assumed, drastically changed things. Both my parents worked at a grocery store. Our “new life” began in a small basement. Financial stress began to prey on our happiness and alter the course of our actions and this realization intensified as my parents spent 45 “worthless” Indian rupees for every dollar. No deprivation had been as bad as that of a car which dramatically limited our mobility. I was in sheer desperation and my mind was in a medley of intense frustration, utmost dejection and extreme disappointment. For some timeless moments, I cursed my life but slowly my anemic body got accustomed to the daily mile-long walk and the long wait for infrequent public transportation. As I trod on the sidewalk to the library for internet access vehicles signed their names in mud on rainy days but surely I had accepted it as a fact of life. I learnt that life is not a bed of roses and that this was just my share of thorns.
Brief moments of happiness punctuated our life and tempted me to hope for a bright future. But, failure to show even an iota of improvement and mitigate my predicament even after a year of hardship, dealt the coup-de-grace to my aspirations. I finally gathered my wits to look into my parent’s eyes. Their weary faces, even after long hours of work, made the best attempt to dissemble the pangs of their heart but instead conveyed a message like a doctor does to a dying patient – that of expecting one to adjure divine intervention. This did not deflate my hopes but for the first time in life I realized that the responsibility of making our dream come true lied solely with me, that it was time for me to support my family, receive the education for which they paid such high costs and harness the opportunities that our immigration to the US had brought to my doorstep.
I was mystified and stupefied at sight of the typical US high school which strikingly contradicted the image of my alma mater – (St. Annes, Mumbai) an all girls campus, where ladylike behavior, respect and simplicity were central to education, uniforms were mandatory and even long nails, fancy shoes and loose hair were considered violations of the dress code. But this exposure to the outside world, discordance of cultures and battle with conscience gradually made me tolerant and more importantly, helped me muster courage to expect the same respect from others in response to our differences. Wearing my traditional dress, expressing my ideology, publicly speaking my native language, ignoring the mocking laughter and sharing my values suddenly assumed a place of importance in the scheme of things since they identified the person I was. It urged me not to imitate my past nor to ape the ways of others but be myself! After all, the western world with its doors wide open proudly claim that it is not a “melting pot” but a “mosaic”, doesn’t it? [:P]
Anyway, then it was time to apply for college… another host of career, residential, financial and family decisions to make! Time does not wait for things to get stable for you to make informed decisions, have confidence in them and a sense of preparedness for its consequences. Academic counselors advised to look for cheap schools (I’m not sure out of stereotype about my family background or uncertainty about my calibre, both of which I can proudly say are seriously flawed assumptions by the way!!!!) My parents insisted on applying to whatever was available close to home. But I decided to come to the University of Rochester. (fall 08 - present)
So much has changed over the last year! I am pursuing a dual degree in genetics & public health, have managed to get scholarships, am elected to several leadership positions, become a part of many social groups, currently have a fulltime summer research job & plan to pursue an Md-PhD (or Ms-PhD)… but more importantly I’ve learnt to deal with all kinds of roommates, friends, classmates, professors, colleagues, employers, weather, crisis, recession, food (& its lack of variety & taste), transportation (or the lack thereof) & many more problems – trivial and otherwise.
However, there is one thing that has endured ALL of the above and still stands unmoved – my hope! Believe it or not, every dark cloud has a silver lining. To overcome the seemingly insuperable obstacles I had to shun the thought of my encumbrances, muster the remnant of faculties and then canalize my slumbering energies purposefully and wholeheartedly. And today, it is not prosperity, popularity, luxuries, Americanization and average intelligence but an insatiable appetite for success and an unflagging will power that textures the wrap and woof of the fabric I call my destiny. The challenges in the last 3 yrs have truly taught me valuable lessons and wrought to forge the anvil of my life
No matter what I do, where I go or what I accomplish – it will always remind me of the price my family paid for it. Yeah damn right – You can’t just ”strike it rich” in America! But you can strive beyond the limit of your endurance, make your migration worth it and still live your dream!